What the hell is this?

What am I supposed to say? I had friends over tonight, seemed to have fun, yet I sit here drunk and wondering about everything in my life. I never should be drunk and alone, cause then I think too much, ponder and wonder what I am doing with my life, where I am going and all of that other crap. I then feel the most alone, so wishing I had someone to hold me to tell me its going to be ok, but really, I do mean REALLY, I dont need that. Yes from time to time I do but in general, I just want to be happy as a person and with myself. I try to be but I think deep down inside I am not.

Wow, I just dont know what I am feeling right now. My head feels cloudy, not sure if its the booze or what, but I am so damn confused.

I sometimes feel that my life is so damn complicated. I know I have made some bad decisions and maybe thats why I am here where I am today, cause I know they were wrong and I am trying to make things better despite the pain it may cause.

Talk about my head being cloudy, here I am and all I want to do is cry. I feel weird tonight, indifferent, not used to it, sure as the hell very confusing hahah. I dont know what this is but a wave of emotions I am not used to, or havent had in a very long time.

Life is changing so fast, I am guessing for the better, I dont know right now. I am lost, confused, jilted, baffled, sad, happy, oh fuck I dont know a thing anymore!

Someone I know said I ooze sexuality. OMFG that is one of the funniest things I have heard in a long time.

Right now, all that I feel that I ooze is like the worst person imaginable. I am an uncaring selfish bitch. Okay okay, maybe take out the uncaring selfish, okay Im selfish sometimes. I know I am caring, cause if I werent I wouldnt have emotions. FUCK I HATE EMOTIONS. I am so tired of them cause they really get the better of me. I wish I could be a cold hearted snake sometimes, might be easier to get through life.

I took a picture of my eyes today, to try and see if I can see into my soul, to see what is really there.

God grant me the strength! I so need it these days. God forgive me for the sins that I have made. Ha ha, yeah, we all know that I am leading the way down the path to hell and going strong.

I once was a good person, innocent and never did anything wrong. I obeyed and listened, did everything I was told, okay maybe not everything, but for a good portion I did.

Last weekend I was out with my gfs and was so happy cause it had been a while. We were having fun, but I must admit what happened at the restaurant got me more then I will ever admit...oops I am about to lol....the waitress had implied that I was pregnant. Fuck you! I am not pregnant I am just fat. Deal with it you skinny *&^&^%^. Sorry I have such issues with thin girls assuming cause a girl has big boobs and is heavier that she is pregnant.

I have been at such an impass since my surgery, my self esteem is down and I am not feeling great about myself and then this happens, holy mother of pearl! Really!!!!

Maybe this is retribution for what I have done, who knows, but dont I deserve better then that? I know that I have not made the best decisions in life, but I really am a good person, and I care, and I DO HAVE FEELINGS....sigh....me thinks that this chickie should just go to bed cause I am about to have a bloody breakdown and so not in the mood for that!

Thanks for listening, ciao for now!