Two years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression, shortly after my moms death. I was put on meds that made me a complete zombie. I remember how they made me feel, numb, not caring, no feelings, absolutely nothing. Depression runs in my family, everyone has had some sort of it at some point. My mom had it too and I watched her struggle throughout the years. It sucks. I took myself off of the meds a few months later because I didnt like not feeling anything. I would rather feel pain then feel nothing at all.

For the most part I am fine, though, admittedly, lately, I am finding myself falling back into that deep dark hole again. Some know a bit about where I am but I havent really fully talked about it. I have tried to hide it as much as I can, whether or not that has worked is beyond me.

I struggle every day with my feelings, my pain, my loneliness. Not loneliness for a man in my life, but for my mom. I work so hard to hide this from my son and these days hes doing just as bad as me. It scares me.

I try to get a relatively good handle on this, on a way to control how I feel, but I am noticing that I am failing miserably. I strive so hard to be a strong woman, a loving mother, a good friend and a dedidcated employee. Am I succeeding? I would like to think for the most part I am but I dont know. I try so hard, but there are times, like tonight, that I totally dont think I am. I am falling apart at the seams, collapsing in my own skin at times wishing to disappear.

When I am with my son I have the desire to fight the pain, the hurt with all of my strength, I just need to learn how to bring that forward into my time alone. I can pretend when I want to, not saying it always works but I sure do try and do that.

I wonder if I still have the depression, actually I think I do. I do my best to get through the days and nights. Some times I want to drink the pain away but I know it wont help, but i still want to take the pain away. I wont go back on the meds cause I refuse to get back to that zombie like state.

I am really not sure what I want or anything anymore. I try, I try so damn hard but really, I dont know.

Fuck, I am just babbling, always babbling. Why bother. I think I am done writing, I am getting more depressed.