Friendships

There are different categories of friends I find. The ones that will stand the test of time. The ones you dont talk to for years and when you do its like it was yesterday and then there are the friendships of convenience.

Sadly, I must admit I have several that fall into these categories, then again the more I think about it the more I come to realize that we all do. The question we have to ask ourselves, to determine their spot in our life is who is what.

That alone, is sometimes the most difficult to determine and can change over time as well.

Im not a perfect friend, hell no, but I do try my hardest to be a great friend, to the best of my ability. Maybe, there in lies the thing. Everyone is a friend to the best of their ability, to what they are capable of and willing to provide.

This year has made me see my 'friends' all in a different light. When I was at my lowest, who was there for me. Who reached out to help me when I was recovering from a major surgery, whose there to wipe my tears away when I am sad, who puts there arm around me and says its ok to cry.

There are days I just want to cut myself off from everyone and then see who really cares and tries to reach out. I know, not very nice to test my friendships, but Im at a loss these days. I close off at times I realize, but I do my best to reach out once in a while.

I am not the type of person to cut someone off completely, my trusting and hopeful nature I guess. However, this keeps up, I am seriously considering it.

I cant count those that I trust with my life, my secrets, and my son on one hand, hell on half of a hand.

Crying over.....

As I sit here, I cry over many things:
- over my mom, how much it still kills me inside that she is not with us anymore
- how I dont have any family here that cares about me
- how I dont have someone to turn to in time of need.

These are all very prevelant in my life and all making my heart break. I used to be fine without having someone special in my life, but I am finding that now I really miss that more then anything. I would love to have someone to turn to when I am hurting, or scared, someone that will just hold me and let me cry, wipe my tears away and tell me that it will be ok. Someone that I can curl up beside, and enjoy a movie, someone who isnt ashamed to take me out in public, someone who will steal those special moments by touching my hand or my shoulder, sigh.....

God the truth is I am really hating being single. It finally hit me, I dont want just sex, I want intmacy, love and compassion too. HEll, I want thoe whole damn package! I want to be made to feel like I am worth something.

Im stuck in a Catch 22 situation. Do I open my heart up fully, leaving myself vulnerable to being hurt, or do I keep it closed off. DAmned if I do, damned if I dont situation.

I truly thought being single was it for me. Had nothing to do with sex, hell I can give that up for as long as I want, not a big deal. It was more that I have only had the one bf and terrified of letting someone that close to me, emotionally and intimately.

Whats the point?

I dont believe in resolutions, but I made a personal one anyways: To be happier, to find happiness and to be the best friend that I can be.

Had the most amazing Sunday with a friend who came over for dinner with us. We laughed so hard, relaxed, Cas was having fun, we all were. Now suddenly he doesnt respond to my email.

I personally find it a slap in the face. I completely understand if something happened, but a quick message saying so would be ok, I know hes been online.

Why do I even bother anymore. I opened myself up to him, confided in him, told him my hopes and dreams, and I feel like I just have been burned. He very well could read this but I have no where else to turn but to write.

This is the very reason I dont let anyone in. Keep my walls up and keep myself closed off from others cause I end up getting hurt in the end. I decided to take a chance and be honest about everything, open up, I wonder if that was a good idea anymore. Maybe I will just close up once again.

I know we are supposed to live with no regrets, but a part of me does regret this cause its my heart that I am working so hard to protect and I dont like it getting hurt.

I cant call him, well I could, but out of respect for the circumstances I dont call his place, I dont want to cause trouble, so I sit here waiting for a stupid piece message from him explaining WTH is going on. In the meantime I worry about him, about our friendship, about everything cause I have far too much time on my hands.

Whats the point of being a caring loving person with a big heart. Seems a hell of a lot more trouble then its worth in the end.

Time has come....

Last night I felt this urge to get into my car and drive. As soon as I turned on the egnition I zoned out. I went into my heart to reach my mom. This time of year always hurts, but I really needed her guidance, her advice, her help to figure out what I want right now.

So I drove and drove, talking to her, asking her what my direction was cause I didnt know anymore.

She told me that I was ready, ready to move forward in my life. I have experienced what I need to experience, and even though I am scared and not sure what life has to offer I need to have faith in myself to take that chance. It was time to start doing something for myself to make myself happy.

I cried and drove, bad combination lol, but I could feel my heart fill up more and more. Her prescence was so strong.

She told me I am ready to find someone that loves me for who I am, accepts me just as is, faults and all. Someone that knows when I am hurting without asking and will be there to hold me, told hold my hand, and let me cry.

I have said before that I am ready, but dont think I truly ever was until now. Yes I am terrified, I dont want to be hurt again, but I know I need to experience someone caring for me once again.

I deserve to be happy beyond words. I have the most amazing son and am the luckiest mom alive, but as my mom told me, I deserve to be happy in my heart and soul as well.

Mom, I am listening to you, you are right, the time has come to fully move on.....

I miss you mom, thank you for being there for me no matter what.

Under- vs Over-exposed

I sit here tonight, so cold, drinking my tea, cant stop shivering so I figure I'd blog.

There is a fine line between being under and over-exposed. I do my best to keep that line covered, but I always knew that one day, that line would be wiped away.

I gave a dear dear friend of mine my link to my blog and he read it. Made me nervous, cause even though this is exposed, I do so more in my writing then verbally. He knows me better then I realized, he saw right through it, and my masks. He knows Im not as strong as I try to be. My reaction? I am glad. He is one of the very few if not the only that knows me that well.

It made me cry, but not in a bad way. It made me feel so good that no matter what I say or do, someone knows how I really am. Makes his offer as a 'shoulder to cry on' even that more valuable to me. People like that, especially in my life are almost non-existant. I know Im not great at opening up, I know thats hard to believe, but when I let my guard down I feel a bit vulnerable. But with him, I have nothing to worry about. HE hasnt run off screaming for the hills reading what I have written (yet anyways lol).

See now that is the type of guy I want in my life. Someone, that sees through my facade, someone that will not run, but hold me and let me cry if I feel the need. Hmm, wonder if I can take some of him and build that guy? lol.

The night of terror

.....................

Driving home, I just wanted to get back to my bed. It was so dark out, the glaring of the car lights were blinding me at times. The car wasnt cooperating and I was doing my best to drown out the arguing that was ensuing behind me.

On the highway, watching the cars past, my head started to pound. It felt like I got hit with a tonne of bricks. I pulled over to the side as the car decided right then to die on me. Wondering why my head hurt so much, I turned around with a struggle to find that he was holding the back of my head by my hair, a firm grasp on it that I could barely turn my head around.

I begged him to let go and all I could hear is him yelling at me to get the car running. I told him the car died, but he didnt seem to hear me and continued to blame me for everything that had happened.

Finally he let go, I turned around and saw that look in his face that I had seen far too many times before. The look of pure evil, pure hatred, pure terror. I was afraid for what he might do. She was sitting back there with him and I had to find a way to protect her, that was my job, she couldnt handle him alone and was in no condition to do so.

I tried to turn the car over, hoping for some glimmer of life, but to no avail. Watching car after car pass us by but not stop.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, a kind man stopped to give us a boost. I was so grateful and did my best to hide my tears and uttermost fear. He followed us back to the house, I was so grateful he could not hear all the arguing in the car, it was embarassing.

I sometimes wish the memories would go away. I know once we got home I took the brunt of the blame, I think partially I forced that onto myself to protect her. I could eventually get over it, I knew she could only do so much.

The rest of the night, sigh, as many many nights before, I did not know if I would see morning. I dont recall getting much sleep that night

There have been many key moments that shaped the way I viewed people, or the lack of trust I would have, but this night, was a large trigger.

Why I chose my life

Everyone asks, why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do. I have spent a better part of 3 years trying to figure that out. I am not the cool calm collected put together person people think I am, I am more broken then I show, cause like everything else I try my best to keep it inside.

I had to find my spot, the spot where I felt most comfortable in. Whether it be mentally, emotionally or even physically. I searched high and low for a center of peace that I knew I could be comfortable with. I have thought I found that a while ago, but I feel that I got deeper and deeper into the darkness in my soul.

I fight to get out, because I want more light in my life, I know cheesy at it may be. I miss my writing, it helps me release my inner thoughts and emotions, sometimes it might seem like babble, but despite the amazing friendships I have made, this is truly the only spot I can be open about how I feel about myself, and my life.

I work so damn hard to try and be strong for everyone else. Hell I have to be, if I am not strong then what will happen? But now, I am finally at the point in my life that I need that strength for myself. I so very much want to live that happily ever after fairytale, however, I am smart enough to know that is a bit far fetched.

I no longer am longing for the attention of the opposite sex in a way that makes me feel good physically. I am longing for the attention that makes me feel good mentally and emotionally.

Yes, in some respects, I am somewhat of a stubborn fool, but I have been through so much and seen so much happen that I wont settle for anything less then the best. HELL I deserve that too! I finally am at that point in my life that I want love and happiness.

People say I am emotional, all over the place, and a bit too much to handle, so what, I am me, I dont change for anyone and if you dont like it then keep on walking.