Today I gave my son his 8th birthday party. His actual birthday isnt until July, however, to ensure that his friends could make it we have it before the end of the school year.
I had amazing friends that helped, I was really worried that I would not be able to pull this off due to my injury, but with their assistance, it was done. I might be in pain now but my son and his friends had great fun and the smiles made me feel good. Even some kids saying that was the best party they have ever been to.
I ensured that his dad would show up so had the first half, with snacks and presents, at the Taekwondo school. The kids had so much fun, they all participated really well and my boy got to break a board for his birthday, how super cool is that! And his dad was there to video tape and had the chance to partake in the kids party.
Part 2, yes I said part 2, was held at the house (his dad did not want to come to the house one due to lack of closure). Kids swam in the pool, played downstairs, caused some chaos, but had a lot of fun.
To feed them I had made homemade pizzas, yes I made homemade pizzas to feed them. They devoured them and loved them. It was more work but well worth it.
Seeing the smile on my babys face and on all his friends faces, made this pain worth every moment.
I am supermom, no injury can stop me. Life does not stop for me sadly, I am all there is and yes my friends have been so amazing in helping me out this past week, I am horrible at relying on others to keep life going.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Two years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression, shortly after my moms death. I was put on meds that made me a complete zombie. I remember how they made me feel, numb, not caring, no feelings, absolutely nothing. Depression runs in my family, everyone has had some sort of it at some point. My mom had it too and I watched her struggle throughout the years. It sucks. I took myself off of the meds a few months later because I didnt like not feeling anything. I would rather feel pain then feel nothing at all.
For the most part I am fine, though, admittedly, lately, I am finding myself falling back into that deep dark hole again. Some know a bit about where I am but I havent really fully talked about it. I have tried to hide it as much as I can, whether or not that has worked is beyond me.
I struggle every day with my feelings, my pain, my loneliness. Not loneliness for a man in my life, but for my mom. I work so hard to hide this from my son and these days hes doing just as bad as me. It scares me.
I try to get a relatively good handle on this, on a way to control how I feel, but I am noticing that I am failing miserably. I strive so hard to be a strong woman, a loving mother, a good friend and a dedidcated employee. Am I succeeding? I would like to think for the most part I am but I dont know. I try so hard, but there are times, like tonight, that I totally dont think I am. I am falling apart at the seams, collapsing in my own skin at times wishing to disappear.
When I am with my son I have the desire to fight the pain, the hurt with all of my strength, I just need to learn how to bring that forward into my time alone. I can pretend when I want to, not saying it always works but I sure do try and do that.
I wonder if I still have the depression, actually I think I do. I do my best to get through the days and nights. Some times I want to drink the pain away but I know it wont help, but i still want to take the pain away. I wont go back on the meds cause I refuse to get back to that zombie like state.
I am really not sure what I want or anything anymore. I try, I try so damn hard but really, I dont know.
Fuck, I am just babbling, always babbling. Why bother. I think I am done writing, I am getting more depressed.
For the most part I am fine, though, admittedly, lately, I am finding myself falling back into that deep dark hole again. Some know a bit about where I am but I havent really fully talked about it. I have tried to hide it as much as I can, whether or not that has worked is beyond me.
I struggle every day with my feelings, my pain, my loneliness. Not loneliness for a man in my life, but for my mom. I work so hard to hide this from my son and these days hes doing just as bad as me. It scares me.
I try to get a relatively good handle on this, on a way to control how I feel, but I am noticing that I am failing miserably. I strive so hard to be a strong woman, a loving mother, a good friend and a dedidcated employee. Am I succeeding? I would like to think for the most part I am but I dont know. I try so hard, but there are times, like tonight, that I totally dont think I am. I am falling apart at the seams, collapsing in my own skin at times wishing to disappear.
When I am with my son I have the desire to fight the pain, the hurt with all of my strength, I just need to learn how to bring that forward into my time alone. I can pretend when I want to, not saying it always works but I sure do try and do that.
I wonder if I still have the depression, actually I think I do. I do my best to get through the days and nights. Some times I want to drink the pain away but I know it wont help, but i still want to take the pain away. I wont go back on the meds cause I refuse to get back to that zombie like state.
I am really not sure what I want or anything anymore. I try, I try so damn hard but really, I dont know.
Fuck, I am just babbling, always babbling. Why bother. I think I am done writing, I am getting more depressed.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Never ending.....
I try to be who I wish I could be but in the end I am just who I am and that's good enough for me.....
That is how I feel most days. Some days I try to be this super strong woman, that has to juggle a lot of different things in my life: My divorce, my moms death, a new house, being a mother, working full time...its minor though in comparison to some people, that I know!
Someone told me that I need to stop thinking so much, all at once. I need to relax my mind. How do you do that? I have tried, over and over again, but I find I fall so short of this task. I always seem to need a little bit of an extra 'push' to get my mind to relax, to forget, to let go!
I am not perfect, oh good lord, I am far from that! I am not afraid to admit it, honestly, these days I am not afraid to admit a lot. Why should I be? If someone does not like what I say or something about me then they dont deserve to have me in there life. I am not the greatest person in the world, but I will say this, I am a very sweet, kind hearted, generous, giving and loving person. I would do almost anything for my friends.
A couple of my good friends have told me I should write more, its a therapy, but when I write I feel like I babble about nothing and everything lol. OMG its like my mind lol, all over the place and no end in site lol.
I wish that writing would give me the answers I seek but I know thats not possible. This is here just as an outlet, to help me sort out my thoughts and see if I can figure out what is happening. Though, sadly these days, I seem more confused about everything then anything.
Im trying a new outlook, ok, maybe old outlook, but doing my best to keep it going in my life - out with the negative energy and in with the new. Maybe its time I do yoga or tai chi. Something to center myself. I know having this anger and hurt deep inside is not good for me, god do I know!
---------------------------------------------------------
I get a call from my ex-husband at lunch yesterday. The school called him and told him that our son was in the office complaining of chest and stomach pains. I bolted to the school. On the way all I could think about was his cute little face, how much I hate when he is in pain.
I got to the school and he had a look on his face I had never seen before. He was in so much pain, a pain that he said he had never had before. He was rubbing his chest and stomach. His dad and I were asking questions trying to deduce what the problem was. In the end we decided to take him to Emergency just to make sure. We could not take a chance that his asthma was happening, or something else.
My heart was sinking. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and hold him. All I could do was hold him and tell him he will be okay. He is my life and his pain is my pain.
In the end, all is well, thank goodness, but I watched him last night and cuddled him just to make sure he was okay. I crashed hard after he fell asleep, so hard I really don’t recall much of what happened.
This year has been another crazy year, so much has happened and I don’t see an end in sight, sigh. Honestly, if I hear one more person tell me that I am a strong woman and to keep strong, I think I am going to scream! I may be strong, but what if I don’t want to be damn it. I am sick and tired of being strong and all of that stuff. I want………oh fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore. My head is all over the place, my heart, well my heart is to my son and a small selection of friends, there is no more room in my heart for anyone else.
Was talking to my friend about love and relationships and really, they are a waste! Why the hell would I put myself through all of that again when apparently it is very easy to stop loving someone?
That is how I feel most days. Some days I try to be this super strong woman, that has to juggle a lot of different things in my life: My divorce, my moms death, a new house, being a mother, working full time...its minor though in comparison to some people, that I know!
Someone told me that I need to stop thinking so much, all at once. I need to relax my mind. How do you do that? I have tried, over and over again, but I find I fall so short of this task. I always seem to need a little bit of an extra 'push' to get my mind to relax, to forget, to let go!
I am not perfect, oh good lord, I am far from that! I am not afraid to admit it, honestly, these days I am not afraid to admit a lot. Why should I be? If someone does not like what I say or something about me then they dont deserve to have me in there life. I am not the greatest person in the world, but I will say this, I am a very sweet, kind hearted, generous, giving and loving person. I would do almost anything for my friends.
A couple of my good friends have told me I should write more, its a therapy, but when I write I feel like I babble about nothing and everything lol. OMG its like my mind lol, all over the place and no end in site lol.
I wish that writing would give me the answers I seek but I know thats not possible. This is here just as an outlet, to help me sort out my thoughts and see if I can figure out what is happening. Though, sadly these days, I seem more confused about everything then anything.
Im trying a new outlook, ok, maybe old outlook, but doing my best to keep it going in my life - out with the negative energy and in with the new. Maybe its time I do yoga or tai chi. Something to center myself. I know having this anger and hurt deep inside is not good for me, god do I know!
---------------------------------------------------------
I get a call from my ex-husband at lunch yesterday. The school called him and told him that our son was in the office complaining of chest and stomach pains. I bolted to the school. On the way all I could think about was his cute little face, how much I hate when he is in pain.
I got to the school and he had a look on his face I had never seen before. He was in so much pain, a pain that he said he had never had before. He was rubbing his chest and stomach. His dad and I were asking questions trying to deduce what the problem was. In the end we decided to take him to Emergency just to make sure. We could not take a chance that his asthma was happening, or something else.
My heart was sinking. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and hold him. All I could do was hold him and tell him he will be okay. He is my life and his pain is my pain.
In the end, all is well, thank goodness, but I watched him last night and cuddled him just to make sure he was okay. I crashed hard after he fell asleep, so hard I really don’t recall much of what happened.
This year has been another crazy year, so much has happened and I don’t see an end in sight, sigh. Honestly, if I hear one more person tell me that I am a strong woman and to keep strong, I think I am going to scream! I may be strong, but what if I don’t want to be damn it. I am sick and tired of being strong and all of that stuff. I want………oh fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore. My head is all over the place, my heart, well my heart is to my son and a small selection of friends, there is no more room in my heart for anyone else.
Was talking to my friend about love and relationships and really, they are a waste! Why the hell would I put myself through all of that again when apparently it is very easy to stop loving someone?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Me, myself and ??????
I have been thinking a lot about my family, or lack there of lately. Wondering where my dad is and wishing my mom was here to hold me when I am down. Not sure what caused this, but I know lately there has been something missing in my life and I havent been able to pinpoint what that is.
Do I know who I really am? I think that is the major question. I know I am a devoted and loving mother to the best child, but honestly, thats all I know for sure. Since my mom passed and my pending divorce it seems that I have an identity crisis hovering over my head. I dont know what my purpose is in this world. I dont know WHO I AM.
So much has happened and changed that I feel like a little girl wandering the woods lost and confused. Do I really have a purpose in this world?
I have been teetering with the idea of finding my dad. Never met the man, tried when I was younger but he was never willing. I know I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. Supposedly my brother and I have the same chin, but I dont know. I could be in the same room with them and my father and I wouldnt know it was them. My family in Regina, my dads brother and sister-in-law, talk to me, they like me and have opened up their arms to me. They know what my dad is like and tell me I am better off. Back then I agreed, but with my mom gone, I need to meet him, at least once. I dont care if we have a relationship or if my son ever meets him but I need to meet the man that helped create me. Does this apple fall far from that tree? That is a good question and I sure hope I can find out.
I havent felt this alone, confused or lost in so long. There has always been someone there for me. Yes I have my son, but he is only 7 and has had to take care of me enough as it is and I feel bad for that.
I need to know more about me, who am I?
I try to write to help me figure out things, friends have told me it helps them. It does help but I feel like i blabber on and on and on. I hate talking about myself, even to this blog.
I.....goodness gracious me, I am feeling so much self pity for myself, that is not like me. I dont do that, I have taught myself to not do that because others need me more and to be strong and supportive. I know, those that read this will say I need to think about myself. Maybe I do, but for crying out loud, if I do then I will completely fall apart. I have done enough of that over the past 2 years as it is. I cant fall apart, I dont have the time to do that.
But the truth is, I have had to be strong for others since I was a kid. I will tell you more about that one day when I am able to write about it, I am still not at that point to rewrite that story. Needless to say I have had to be the rock that breaks down every so often. I have a few cracks, but I have learned to keep them hidden so that no one will see them. Oh yes I did do that, and I did it good. No one knows the real torture I felt in my head, in my dreams, not even my ex husband. The way my life has turned me inside and out, made me closed off to the world, to people. I never really understood how much my childhood still affected me until recently. I really thought I had dealt with it but I look back and I am thinking that I didnt.
The bad dreams, restless nights, short temperedness, maybe it was all related somehow. Even to this day, I still feel hesitation, heart palpatations, uneasiness, etc. Maybe, just maybe its all related somehow.
Who am I? That is the biggest question and I think its high time I find out.
Do I know who I really am? I think that is the major question. I know I am a devoted and loving mother to the best child, but honestly, thats all I know for sure. Since my mom passed and my pending divorce it seems that I have an identity crisis hovering over my head. I dont know what my purpose is in this world. I dont know WHO I AM.
So much has happened and changed that I feel like a little girl wandering the woods lost and confused. Do I really have a purpose in this world?
I have been teetering with the idea of finding my dad. Never met the man, tried when I was younger but he was never willing. I know I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. Supposedly my brother and I have the same chin, but I dont know. I could be in the same room with them and my father and I wouldnt know it was them. My family in Regina, my dads brother and sister-in-law, talk to me, they like me and have opened up their arms to me. They know what my dad is like and tell me I am better off. Back then I agreed, but with my mom gone, I need to meet him, at least once. I dont care if we have a relationship or if my son ever meets him but I need to meet the man that helped create me. Does this apple fall far from that tree? That is a good question and I sure hope I can find out.
I havent felt this alone, confused or lost in so long. There has always been someone there for me. Yes I have my son, but he is only 7 and has had to take care of me enough as it is and I feel bad for that.
I need to know more about me, who am I?
I try to write to help me figure out things, friends have told me it helps them. It does help but I feel like i blabber on and on and on. I hate talking about myself, even to this blog.
I.....goodness gracious me, I am feeling so much self pity for myself, that is not like me. I dont do that, I have taught myself to not do that because others need me more and to be strong and supportive. I know, those that read this will say I need to think about myself. Maybe I do, but for crying out loud, if I do then I will completely fall apart. I have done enough of that over the past 2 years as it is. I cant fall apart, I dont have the time to do that.
But the truth is, I have had to be strong for others since I was a kid. I will tell you more about that one day when I am able to write about it, I am still not at that point to rewrite that story. Needless to say I have had to be the rock that breaks down every so often. I have a few cracks, but I have learned to keep them hidden so that no one will see them. Oh yes I did do that, and I did it good. No one knows the real torture I felt in my head, in my dreams, not even my ex husband. The way my life has turned me inside and out, made me closed off to the world, to people. I never really understood how much my childhood still affected me until recently. I really thought I had dealt with it but I look back and I am thinking that I didnt.
The bad dreams, restless nights, short temperedness, maybe it was all related somehow. Even to this day, I still feel hesitation, heart palpatations, uneasiness, etc. Maybe, just maybe its all related somehow.
Who am I? That is the biggest question and I think its high time I find out.
Friday, March 26, 2010
What the hell is this?
What am I supposed to say? I had friends over tonight, seemed to have fun, yet I sit here drunk and wondering about everything in my life. I never should be drunk and alone, cause then I think too much, ponder and wonder what I am doing with my life, where I am going and all of that other crap. I then feel the most alone, so wishing I had someone to hold me to tell me its going to be ok, but really, I do mean REALLY, I dont need that. Yes from time to time I do but in general, I just want to be happy as a person and with myself. I try to be but I think deep down inside I am not.
Wow, I just dont know what I am feeling right now. My head feels cloudy, not sure if its the booze or what, but I am so damn confused.
I sometimes feel that my life is so damn complicated. I know I have made some bad decisions and maybe thats why I am here where I am today, cause I know they were wrong and I am trying to make things better despite the pain it may cause.
Talk about my head being cloudy, here I am and all I want to do is cry. I feel weird tonight, indifferent, not used to it, sure as the hell very confusing hahah. I dont know what this is but a wave of emotions I am not used to, or havent had in a very long time.
Life is changing so fast, I am guessing for the better, I dont know right now. I am lost, confused, jilted, baffled, sad, happy, oh fuck I dont know a thing anymore!
Someone I know said I ooze sexuality. OMFG that is one of the funniest things I have heard in a long time.
Right now, all that I feel that I ooze is like the worst person imaginable. I am an uncaring selfish bitch. Okay okay, maybe take out the uncaring selfish, okay Im selfish sometimes. I know I am caring, cause if I werent I wouldnt have emotions. FUCK I HATE EMOTIONS. I am so tired of them cause they really get the better of me. I wish I could be a cold hearted snake sometimes, might be easier to get through life.
I took a picture of my eyes today, to try and see if I can see into my soul, to see what is really there.
God grant me the strength! I so need it these days. God forgive me for the sins that I have made. Ha ha, yeah, we all know that I am leading the way down the path to hell and going strong.
I once was a good person, innocent and never did anything wrong. I obeyed and listened, did everything I was told, okay maybe not everything, but for a good portion I did.
Last weekend I was out with my gfs and was so happy cause it had been a while. We were having fun, but I must admit what happened at the restaurant got me more then I will ever admit...oops I am about to lol....the waitress had implied that I was pregnant. Fuck you! I am not pregnant I am just fat. Deal with it you skinny *&^&^%^. Sorry I have such issues with thin girls assuming cause a girl has big boobs and is heavier that she is pregnant.
I have been at such an impass since my surgery, my self esteem is down and I am not feeling great about myself and then this happens, holy mother of pearl! Really!!!!
Maybe this is retribution for what I have done, who knows, but dont I deserve better then that? I know that I have not made the best decisions in life, but I really am a good person, and I care, and I DO HAVE FEELINGS....sigh....me thinks that this chickie should just go to bed cause I am about to have a bloody breakdown and so not in the mood for that!
Thanks for listening, ciao for now!
Wow, I just dont know what I am feeling right now. My head feels cloudy, not sure if its the booze or what, but I am so damn confused.
I sometimes feel that my life is so damn complicated. I know I have made some bad decisions and maybe thats why I am here where I am today, cause I know they were wrong and I am trying to make things better despite the pain it may cause.
Talk about my head being cloudy, here I am and all I want to do is cry. I feel weird tonight, indifferent, not used to it, sure as the hell very confusing hahah. I dont know what this is but a wave of emotions I am not used to, or havent had in a very long time.
Life is changing so fast, I am guessing for the better, I dont know right now. I am lost, confused, jilted, baffled, sad, happy, oh fuck I dont know a thing anymore!
Someone I know said I ooze sexuality. OMFG that is one of the funniest things I have heard in a long time.
Right now, all that I feel that I ooze is like the worst person imaginable. I am an uncaring selfish bitch. Okay okay, maybe take out the uncaring selfish, okay Im selfish sometimes. I know I am caring, cause if I werent I wouldnt have emotions. FUCK I HATE EMOTIONS. I am so tired of them cause they really get the better of me. I wish I could be a cold hearted snake sometimes, might be easier to get through life.
I took a picture of my eyes today, to try and see if I can see into my soul, to see what is really there.
God grant me the strength! I so need it these days. God forgive me for the sins that I have made. Ha ha, yeah, we all know that I am leading the way down the path to hell and going strong.
I once was a good person, innocent and never did anything wrong. I obeyed and listened, did everything I was told, okay maybe not everything, but for a good portion I did.
Last weekend I was out with my gfs and was so happy cause it had been a while. We were having fun, but I must admit what happened at the restaurant got me more then I will ever admit...oops I am about to lol....the waitress had implied that I was pregnant. Fuck you! I am not pregnant I am just fat. Deal with it you skinny *&^&^%^. Sorry I have such issues with thin girls assuming cause a girl has big boobs and is heavier that she is pregnant.
I have been at such an impass since my surgery, my self esteem is down and I am not feeling great about myself and then this happens, holy mother of pearl! Really!!!!
Maybe this is retribution for what I have done, who knows, but dont I deserve better then that? I know that I have not made the best decisions in life, but I really am a good person, and I care, and I DO HAVE FEELINGS....sigh....me thinks that this chickie should just go to bed cause I am about to have a bloody breakdown and so not in the mood for that!
Thanks for listening, ciao for now!
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