I try to be who I wish I could be but in the end I am just who I am and that's good enough for me.....
That is how I feel most days. Some days I try to be this super strong woman, that has to juggle a lot of different things in my life: My divorce, my moms death, a new house, being a mother, working full time...its minor though in comparison to some people, that I know!
Someone told me that I need to stop thinking so much, all at once. I need to relax my mind. How do you do that? I have tried, over and over again, but I find I fall so short of this task. I always seem to need a little bit of an extra 'push' to get my mind to relax, to forget, to let go!
I am not perfect, oh good lord, I am far from that! I am not afraid to admit it, honestly, these days I am not afraid to admit a lot. Why should I be? If someone does not like what I say or something about me then they dont deserve to have me in there life. I am not the greatest person in the world, but I will say this, I am a very sweet, kind hearted, generous, giving and loving person. I would do almost anything for my friends.
A couple of my good friends have told me I should write more, its a therapy, but when I write I feel like I babble about nothing and everything lol. OMG its like my mind lol, all over the place and no end in site lol.
I wish that writing would give me the answers I seek but I know thats not possible. This is here just as an outlet, to help me sort out my thoughts and see if I can figure out what is happening. Though, sadly these days, I seem more confused about everything then anything.
Im trying a new outlook, ok, maybe old outlook, but doing my best to keep it going in my life - out with the negative energy and in with the new. Maybe its time I do yoga or tai chi. Something to center myself. I know having this anger and hurt deep inside is not good for me, god do I know!
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I get a call from my ex-husband at lunch yesterday. The school called him and told him that our son was in the office complaining of chest and stomach pains. I bolted to the school. On the way all I could think about was his cute little face, how much I hate when he is in pain.
I got to the school and he had a look on his face I had never seen before. He was in so much pain, a pain that he said he had never had before. He was rubbing his chest and stomach. His dad and I were asking questions trying to deduce what the problem was. In the end we decided to take him to Emergency just to make sure. We could not take a chance that his asthma was happening, or something else.
My heart was sinking. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and hold him. All I could do was hold him and tell him he will be okay. He is my life and his pain is my pain.
In the end, all is well, thank goodness, but I watched him last night and cuddled him just to make sure he was okay. I crashed hard after he fell asleep, so hard I really don’t recall much of what happened.
This year has been another crazy year, so much has happened and I don’t see an end in sight, sigh. Honestly, if I hear one more person tell me that I am a strong woman and to keep strong, I think I am going to scream! I may be strong, but what if I don’t want to be damn it. I am sick and tired of being strong and all of that stuff. I want………oh fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore. My head is all over the place, my heart, well my heart is to my son and a small selection of friends, there is no more room in my heart for anyone else.
Was talking to my friend about love and relationships and really, they are a waste! Why the hell would I put myself through all of that again when apparently it is very easy to stop loving someone?
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