Me, myself and ??????

I have been thinking a lot about my family, or lack there of lately. Wondering where my dad is and wishing my mom was here to hold me when I am down. Not sure what caused this, but I know lately there has been something missing in my life and I havent been able to pinpoint what that is.

Do I know who I really am? I think that is the major question. I know I am a devoted and loving mother to the best child, but honestly, thats all I know for sure. Since my mom passed and my pending divorce it seems that I have an identity crisis hovering over my head. I dont know what my purpose is in this world. I dont know WHO I AM.

So much has happened and changed that I feel like a little girl wandering the woods lost and confused. Do I really have a purpose in this world?

I have been teetering with the idea of finding my dad. Never met the man, tried when I was younger but he was never willing. I know I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. Supposedly my brother and I have the same chin, but I dont know. I could be in the same room with them and my father and I wouldnt know it was them. My family in Regina, my dads brother and sister-in-law, talk to me, they like me and have opened up their arms to me. They know what my dad is like and tell me I am better off. Back then I agreed, but with my mom gone, I need to meet him, at least once. I dont care if we have a relationship or if my son ever meets him but I need to meet the man that helped create me. Does this apple fall far from that tree? That is a good question and I sure hope I can find out.

I havent felt this alone, confused or lost in so long. There has always been someone there for me. Yes I have my son, but he is only 7 and has had to take care of me enough as it is and I feel bad for that.

I need to know more about me, who am I?

I try to write to help me figure out things, friends have told me it helps them. It does help but I feel like i blabber on and on and on. I hate talking about myself, even to this blog.

I.....goodness gracious me, I am feeling so much self pity for myself, that is not like me. I dont do that, I have taught myself to not do that because others need me more and to be strong and supportive. I know, those that read this will say I need to think about myself. Maybe I do, but for crying out loud, if I do then I will completely fall apart. I have done enough of that over the past 2 years as it is. I cant fall apart, I dont have the time to do that.

But the truth is, I have had to be strong for others since I was a kid. I will tell you more about that one day when I am able to write about it, I am still not at that point to rewrite that story. Needless to say I have had to be the rock that breaks down every so often. I have a few cracks, but I have learned to keep them hidden so that no one will see them. Oh yes I did do that, and I did it good. No one knows the real torture I felt in my head, in my dreams, not even my ex husband. The way my life has turned me inside and out, made me closed off to the world, to people. I never really understood how much my childhood still affected me until recently. I really thought I had dealt with it but I look back and I am thinking that I didnt.

The bad dreams, restless nights, short temperedness, maybe it was all related somehow. Even to this day, I still feel hesitation, heart palpatations, uneasiness, etc. Maybe, just maybe its all related somehow.

Who am I? That is the biggest question and I think its high time I find out.