Never ending.....

I try to be who I wish I could be but in the end I am just who I am and that's good enough for me.....
That is how I feel most days. Some days I try to be this super strong woman, that has to juggle a lot of different things in my life: My divorce, my moms death, a new house, being a mother, working full time...its minor though in comparison to some people, that I know!
Someone told me that I need to stop thinking so much, all at once. I need to relax my mind. How do you do that? I have tried, over and over again, but I find I fall so short of this task. I always seem to need a little bit of an extra 'push' to get my mind to relax, to forget, to let go!
I am not perfect, oh good lord, I am far from that! I am not afraid to admit it, honestly, these days I am not afraid to admit a lot. Why should I be? If someone does not like what I say or something about me then they dont deserve to have me in there life. I am not the greatest person in the world, but I will say this, I am a very sweet, kind hearted, generous, giving and loving person. I would do almost anything for my friends.
A couple of my good friends have told me I should write more, its a therapy, but when I write I feel like I babble about nothing and everything lol. OMG its like my mind lol, all over the place and no end in site lol.

I wish that writing would give me the answers I seek but I know thats not possible. This is here just as an outlet, to help me sort out my thoughts and see if I can figure out what is happening. Though, sadly these days, I seem more confused about everything then anything.

Im trying a new outlook, ok, maybe old outlook, but doing my best to keep it going in my life - out with the negative energy and in with the new. Maybe its time I do yoga or tai chi. Something to center myself. I know having this anger and hurt deep inside is not good for me, god do I know!


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I get a call from my ex-husband at lunch yesterday. The school called him and told him that our son was in the office complaining of chest and stomach pains. I bolted to the school. On the way all I could think about was his cute little face, how much I hate when he is in pain.
I got to the school and he had a look on his face I had never seen before. He was in so much pain, a pain that he said he had never had before. He was rubbing his chest and stomach. His dad and I were asking questions trying to deduce what the problem was. In the end we decided to take him to Emergency just to make sure. We could not take a chance that his asthma was happening, or something else.
My heart was sinking. All I wanted to do was take his pain away and hold him. All I could do was hold him and tell him he will be okay. He is my life and his pain is my pain.
In the end, all is well, thank goodness, but I watched him last night and cuddled him just to make sure he was okay. I crashed hard after he fell asleep, so hard I really don’t recall much of what happened.
This year has been another crazy year, so much has happened and I don’t see an end in sight, sigh. Honestly, if I hear one more person tell me that I am a strong woman and to keep strong, I think I am going to scream! I may be strong, but what if I don’t want to be damn it. I am sick and tired of being strong and all of that stuff. I want………oh fuck, I don’t know what I want anymore. My head is all over the place, my heart, well my heart is to my son and a small selection of friends, there is no more room in my heart for anyone else.
Was talking to my friend about love and relationships and really, they are a waste! Why the hell would I put myself through all of that again when apparently it is very easy to stop loving someone?

Me, myself and ??????

I have been thinking a lot about my family, or lack there of lately. Wondering where my dad is and wishing my mom was here to hold me when I am down. Not sure what caused this, but I know lately there has been something missing in my life and I havent been able to pinpoint what that is.

Do I know who I really am? I think that is the major question. I know I am a devoted and loving mother to the best child, but honestly, thats all I know for sure. Since my mom passed and my pending divorce it seems that I have an identity crisis hovering over my head. I dont know what my purpose is in this world. I dont know WHO I AM.

So much has happened and changed that I feel like a little girl wandering the woods lost and confused. Do I really have a purpose in this world?

I have been teetering with the idea of finding my dad. Never met the man, tried when I was younger but he was never willing. I know I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. Supposedly my brother and I have the same chin, but I dont know. I could be in the same room with them and my father and I wouldnt know it was them. My family in Regina, my dads brother and sister-in-law, talk to me, they like me and have opened up their arms to me. They know what my dad is like and tell me I am better off. Back then I agreed, but with my mom gone, I need to meet him, at least once. I dont care if we have a relationship or if my son ever meets him but I need to meet the man that helped create me. Does this apple fall far from that tree? That is a good question and I sure hope I can find out.

I havent felt this alone, confused or lost in so long. There has always been someone there for me. Yes I have my son, but he is only 7 and has had to take care of me enough as it is and I feel bad for that.

I need to know more about me, who am I?

I try to write to help me figure out things, friends have told me it helps them. It does help but I feel like i blabber on and on and on. I hate talking about myself, even to this blog.

I.....goodness gracious me, I am feeling so much self pity for myself, that is not like me. I dont do that, I have taught myself to not do that because others need me more and to be strong and supportive. I know, those that read this will say I need to think about myself. Maybe I do, but for crying out loud, if I do then I will completely fall apart. I have done enough of that over the past 2 years as it is. I cant fall apart, I dont have the time to do that.

But the truth is, I have had to be strong for others since I was a kid. I will tell you more about that one day when I am able to write about it, I am still not at that point to rewrite that story. Needless to say I have had to be the rock that breaks down every so often. I have a few cracks, but I have learned to keep them hidden so that no one will see them. Oh yes I did do that, and I did it good. No one knows the real torture I felt in my head, in my dreams, not even my ex husband. The way my life has turned me inside and out, made me closed off to the world, to people. I never really understood how much my childhood still affected me until recently. I really thought I had dealt with it but I look back and I am thinking that I didnt.

The bad dreams, restless nights, short temperedness, maybe it was all related somehow. Even to this day, I still feel hesitation, heart palpatations, uneasiness, etc. Maybe, just maybe its all related somehow.

Who am I? That is the biggest question and I think its high time I find out.