Whats the point?

I dont believe in resolutions, but I made a personal one anyways: To be happier, to find happiness and to be the best friend that I can be.

Had the most amazing Sunday with a friend who came over for dinner with us. We laughed so hard, relaxed, Cas was having fun, we all were. Now suddenly he doesnt respond to my email.

I personally find it a slap in the face. I completely understand if something happened, but a quick message saying so would be ok, I know hes been online.

Why do I even bother anymore. I opened myself up to him, confided in him, told him my hopes and dreams, and I feel like I just have been burned. He very well could read this but I have no where else to turn but to write.

This is the very reason I dont let anyone in. Keep my walls up and keep myself closed off from others cause I end up getting hurt in the end. I decided to take a chance and be honest about everything, open up, I wonder if that was a good idea anymore. Maybe I will just close up once again.

I know we are supposed to live with no regrets, but a part of me does regret this cause its my heart that I am working so hard to protect and I dont like it getting hurt.

I cant call him, well I could, but out of respect for the circumstances I dont call his place, I dont want to cause trouble, so I sit here waiting for a stupid piece message from him explaining WTH is going on. In the meantime I worry about him, about our friendship, about everything cause I have far too much time on my hands.

Whats the point of being a caring loving person with a big heart. Seems a hell of a lot more trouble then its worth in the end.

Time has come....

Last night I felt this urge to get into my car and drive. As soon as I turned on the egnition I zoned out. I went into my heart to reach my mom. This time of year always hurts, but I really needed her guidance, her advice, her help to figure out what I want right now.

So I drove and drove, talking to her, asking her what my direction was cause I didnt know anymore.

She told me that I was ready, ready to move forward in my life. I have experienced what I need to experience, and even though I am scared and not sure what life has to offer I need to have faith in myself to take that chance. It was time to start doing something for myself to make myself happy.

I cried and drove, bad combination lol, but I could feel my heart fill up more and more. Her prescence was so strong.

She told me I am ready to find someone that loves me for who I am, accepts me just as is, faults and all. Someone that knows when I am hurting without asking and will be there to hold me, told hold my hand, and let me cry.

I have said before that I am ready, but dont think I truly ever was until now. Yes I am terrified, I dont want to be hurt again, but I know I need to experience someone caring for me once again.

I deserve to be happy beyond words. I have the most amazing son and am the luckiest mom alive, but as my mom told me, I deserve to be happy in my heart and soul as well.

Mom, I am listening to you, you are right, the time has come to fully move on.....

I miss you mom, thank you for being there for me no matter what.

Under- vs Over-exposed

I sit here tonight, so cold, drinking my tea, cant stop shivering so I figure I'd blog.

There is a fine line between being under and over-exposed. I do my best to keep that line covered, but I always knew that one day, that line would be wiped away.

I gave a dear dear friend of mine my link to my blog and he read it. Made me nervous, cause even though this is exposed, I do so more in my writing then verbally. He knows me better then I realized, he saw right through it, and my masks. He knows Im not as strong as I try to be. My reaction? I am glad. He is one of the very few if not the only that knows me that well.

It made me cry, but not in a bad way. It made me feel so good that no matter what I say or do, someone knows how I really am. Makes his offer as a 'shoulder to cry on' even that more valuable to me. People like that, especially in my life are almost non-existant. I know Im not great at opening up, I know thats hard to believe, but when I let my guard down I feel a bit vulnerable. But with him, I have nothing to worry about. HE hasnt run off screaming for the hills reading what I have written (yet anyways lol).

See now that is the type of guy I want in my life. Someone, that sees through my facade, someone that will not run, but hold me and let me cry if I feel the need. Hmm, wonder if I can take some of him and build that guy? lol.

The night of terror

.....................

Driving home, I just wanted to get back to my bed. It was so dark out, the glaring of the car lights were blinding me at times. The car wasnt cooperating and I was doing my best to drown out the arguing that was ensuing behind me.

On the highway, watching the cars past, my head started to pound. It felt like I got hit with a tonne of bricks. I pulled over to the side as the car decided right then to die on me. Wondering why my head hurt so much, I turned around with a struggle to find that he was holding the back of my head by my hair, a firm grasp on it that I could barely turn my head around.

I begged him to let go and all I could hear is him yelling at me to get the car running. I told him the car died, but he didnt seem to hear me and continued to blame me for everything that had happened.

Finally he let go, I turned around and saw that look in his face that I had seen far too many times before. The look of pure evil, pure hatred, pure terror. I was afraid for what he might do. She was sitting back there with him and I had to find a way to protect her, that was my job, she couldnt handle him alone and was in no condition to do so.

I tried to turn the car over, hoping for some glimmer of life, but to no avail. Watching car after car pass us by but not stop.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, a kind man stopped to give us a boost. I was so grateful and did my best to hide my tears and uttermost fear. He followed us back to the house, I was so grateful he could not hear all the arguing in the car, it was embarassing.

I sometimes wish the memories would go away. I know once we got home I took the brunt of the blame, I think partially I forced that onto myself to protect her. I could eventually get over it, I knew she could only do so much.

The rest of the night, sigh, as many many nights before, I did not know if I would see morning. I dont recall getting much sleep that night

There have been many key moments that shaped the way I viewed people, or the lack of trust I would have, but this night, was a large trigger.

Why I chose my life

Everyone asks, why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do. I have spent a better part of 3 years trying to figure that out. I am not the cool calm collected put together person people think I am, I am more broken then I show, cause like everything else I try my best to keep it inside.

I had to find my spot, the spot where I felt most comfortable in. Whether it be mentally, emotionally or even physically. I searched high and low for a center of peace that I knew I could be comfortable with. I have thought I found that a while ago, but I feel that I got deeper and deeper into the darkness in my soul.

I fight to get out, because I want more light in my life, I know cheesy at it may be. I miss my writing, it helps me release my inner thoughts and emotions, sometimes it might seem like babble, but despite the amazing friendships I have made, this is truly the only spot I can be open about how I feel about myself, and my life.

I work so damn hard to try and be strong for everyone else. Hell I have to be, if I am not strong then what will happen? But now, I am finally at the point in my life that I need that strength for myself. I so very much want to live that happily ever after fairytale, however, I am smart enough to know that is a bit far fetched.

I no longer am longing for the attention of the opposite sex in a way that makes me feel good physically. I am longing for the attention that makes me feel good mentally and emotionally.

Yes, in some respects, I am somewhat of a stubborn fool, but I have been through so much and seen so much happen that I wont settle for anything less then the best. HELL I deserve that too! I finally am at that point in my life that I want love and happiness.

People say I am emotional, all over the place, and a bit too much to handle, so what, I am me, I dont change for anyone and if you dont like it then keep on walking.

I am supermom

Today I gave my son his 8th birthday party. His actual birthday isnt until July, however, to ensure that his friends could make it we have it before the end of the school year.

I had amazing friends that helped, I was really worried that I would not be able to pull this off due to my injury, but with their assistance, it was done. I might be in pain now but my son and his friends had great fun and the smiles made me feel good. Even some kids saying that was the best party they have ever been to.

I ensured that his dad would show up so had the first half, with snacks and presents, at the Taekwondo school. The kids had so much fun, they all participated really well and my boy got to break a board for his birthday, how super cool is that! And his dad was there to video tape and had the chance to partake in the kids party.

Part 2, yes I said part 2, was held at the house (his dad did not want to come to the house one due to lack of closure). Kids swam in the pool, played downstairs, caused some chaos, but had a lot of fun.

To feed them I had made homemade pizzas, yes I made homemade pizzas to feed them. They devoured them and loved them. It was more work but well worth it.

Seeing the smile on my babys face and on all his friends faces, made this pain worth every moment.

I am supermom, no injury can stop me. Life does not stop for me sadly, I am all there is and yes my friends have been so amazing in helping me out this past week, I am horrible at relying on others to keep life going.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression, shortly after my moms death. I was put on meds that made me a complete zombie. I remember how they made me feel, numb, not caring, no feelings, absolutely nothing. Depression runs in my family, everyone has had some sort of it at some point. My mom had it too and I watched her struggle throughout the years. It sucks. I took myself off of the meds a few months later because I didnt like not feeling anything. I would rather feel pain then feel nothing at all.

For the most part I am fine, though, admittedly, lately, I am finding myself falling back into that deep dark hole again. Some know a bit about where I am but I havent really fully talked about it. I have tried to hide it as much as I can, whether or not that has worked is beyond me.

I struggle every day with my feelings, my pain, my loneliness. Not loneliness for a man in my life, but for my mom. I work so hard to hide this from my son and these days hes doing just as bad as me. It scares me.

I try to get a relatively good handle on this, on a way to control how I feel, but I am noticing that I am failing miserably. I strive so hard to be a strong woman, a loving mother, a good friend and a dedidcated employee. Am I succeeding? I would like to think for the most part I am but I dont know. I try so hard, but there are times, like tonight, that I totally dont think I am. I am falling apart at the seams, collapsing in my own skin at times wishing to disappear.

When I am with my son I have the desire to fight the pain, the hurt with all of my strength, I just need to learn how to bring that forward into my time alone. I can pretend when I want to, not saying it always works but I sure do try and do that.

I wonder if I still have the depression, actually I think I do. I do my best to get through the days and nights. Some times I want to drink the pain away but I know it wont help, but i still want to take the pain away. I wont go back on the meds cause I refuse to get back to that zombie like state.

I am really not sure what I want or anything anymore. I try, I try so damn hard but really, I dont know.

Fuck, I am just babbling, always babbling. Why bother. I think I am done writing, I am getting more depressed.